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Truckin' March 2010, Vol. 9, Issue 3: The return of me!

Sigg3 (mailto:me@sigg3.net) — 2010-03-05T14:42:58

Yes! The March issue of Truckin' marks the return of yours truly to the writing pals of Truckin'! We're not nearing completion of my study yet, so I have little to no room to write in except when Lady C is out working and I'm not. So it feels great to be able to contribute anyway, with the little that I can afford. Pauly writes:

The March issue marks the debut of British writer Chris Hall, with an embarrassing incident that happened in New Zealand. Change100 returns with a pumpkin story. Johnny Hughes is back with one of his Texas tales. Plus, we have a treat because everyone's favorite Norwegian is back with a... ghost story. Oh, and I spun a little something about... well... purple pajamas. Sort of. You'll see. The scribes write at Truckin' for free, so please do us huge favor and help spread the word about your favorite stories.

Purple Pajamas by Paul McGuire
"A girl from Texas once told me that grasshoppers were lucky," said Lucien as he balanced his guitar on his leg and leaned into the microphone. "I didn't believe her. I used to kill 'em whenever I came across 'em."...

Jonny, No H by Sigg3
I needed a cabbie, and I needed it fast 'fore anyone wrong around me would pay any notice. This is a dog-eat-dog kind of town as soon as the bar closes and all the police of central Oslo has left somewhere else entirely, never there when you need them and especially there when you don't...

Fire Confession by Chris Hall
The completely rational part of my brain drowned in a sea of paranoia as I frantically flapped my t-shirt underneath the alarm trying to stop it from going off. I couldn't really see any smoke, but this was an expensive hotel, maybe it had very sensitive fire-alarms that could detect it easily, but my alarm was going off. Ergo, it must be my fault...

Kankakee by Change100
Well, there were a lot of tractors in these parts and for a moment there, I felt like I was in the opening scene of a slasher movie, the naïve girl being lured in by seemingly folksy farmers who then proceed to hack her to pieces and sell off her organs to smugglers...

Those Grifting O'Malleys by Johnny Hughes
I parked the car, and walked over the bridge to Mexico. In a half a block, I bought a whiskey and coke for a nickel. It didn't take much to get me drunk, being only my fourth of fifth time. I bought this big sombrero, and two fifths of fancy, but cheap champagne. That was a mistake, because I had to carry them everywhere, and if I wore the sombrero, folks would hoorah me...

Happy Belated Birthday KOEW!

Sigg3 (mailto:me@sigg3.net) — 2010-03-05T13:54:19

SHIT! I forgot to post congratulations for my brother Koew yesterday!

Happy Birthday Koew

So yesterday me, Koew and the mysterious mr. S had a couple of beers, but the big party's on Saturday! Happy birthday bro, see you on Saturday!

There's always a smart-ass..

Sigg3 (mailto:me@sigg3.net) — 2010-03-03T15:52:59

Consider the title above, and I bet you'll be all completely prejudiced and believe that "here Sigg3 goes again, another rant about Sigg3 by Sigg3" and I'll just laugh in your face and smear it with donkey dung. 'Cause you'll be wrong. Of course you could argue that I am in fact writing about myself indirectly, but Freud would think I'm writing about my mother and Kevin Smith about his self-obsessed and overweight ass. You could probably argue that I'm writing about Jurassic Park again. But I am not. I'm writing about the single smart-ass that always need to establish herself in the office.

It's a she in my case, but it could just as well be a he or an it. It doesn't matter. Smugness is biologically indiscriminate and usually hits randomly below a certain IQ threshold. First story first. Let's go back to the bird flu. Remember the bird flu? It was nearly the end of the world back then, way before the swine flu, and people were hysterical about birds. Old ladies were spreading their breadcrumbs with cyanide in the city parks, and people called the emergency telephone whenever they saw a dead bird.. of which there are so many. I remember having seen 3 DEAD PIGEONS outside a kebab place where I used to live, and people went all frantic about it and the police arrived to shut down the area. Until someone pointed out the kebab place and everyone went back to their business.

Back then I wrote a funny office e-mail (yes, I'm one of those guys) about the bird flu, and how we should just avoid everything with a beak. There was also a call for a flu shot for the seasonal flu, to which I replied to-all: "This is not the bird flu vaccine. For safety reasons, they will only test that on people from Bergen." Which was a statement of fact and very funny indeed and then this lady queuing up with me at the cafeteria went all serious and said: "You shouldn't be joking about the bird flu. It's in Sweden now and it could get here too." Right, I thought to myself, she's taking this way too seriously. She's taking it literally. And I didn't think much of it.

Come this week and I wrote this notice for everyone to read:

Please don't hang around the entrance/near the walls outside because the sun makes the icicles fall down at lethal velocities. The technical adviser (read: janitor) is on the case!
Dying from falling ice is just plain stupid. There are so many other fun things to die from, like killer whales. Then maybe it's fate. Do you really wanna tempt fate? DO YOU?!!

The reason I put this up was because the sun had suddenly decided to show up and make a fuss, so all the ice which had accumulated over the past 2 months of freezing cold weather started to melt and MOVE AROUND. In general it moves downwards & v rapidly. Having a cigarette outside I was hit in the shoulder, and though many think I've got my head up my ass I usually keep it between my shoulders; Big piece of falling ice in the head will render you either dead or incapacitated. It's the only explanation for George W. except inbreeding.

It went well and the janitor managed to remove the worst of it and it was time for lunch. I just had to check my e-mail first and what do you know? I'd had a letter from her. She wrote something along the lines of: "FYI. A man was found unconscious yesterday by his wife from snow falling three stories above. They're not sure what happened to him, if he survived."

I couldn't believe it. Here's someone that thinks contending that dying from ice is plain stupid warrants a warning that same actually happens in the world. And that I should somehow feel guilty about writing a funny post about it. Did I say that the victim(s) were stupid, that the sun or the icicles were stupid? No. Not at all. I said that dying from falling icicle is stupid from which you can draw that it is a really, really unnecessary end of someone's life. In sum, a serious warning.

Agh, these kinds of people just gets on my nerve! I took a deep breath and replied right away: "Case in point. It's just too silly to die from poor maintenance." to which she replied again: "Well, it happens often." And that's all she wrote. I wanted to reply but I didn't. Leave it there, be professional. But I really wanted just to jot down a little note with nice fonts and flowery backround saying: WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK-A-COW KIND OF SPORT AUTOMOBILE VEHICLE ARE YOU DRIVING, WOMAN!?

Because really! This lady and her likes are so driven up the wall buying into the Mentality of the Important and Serious that they just HAVE TO let the world know about it on all occasions. If something is Important and Serious then you better treat it as such or not at all. In fact, if something is Important and Serious then it is probably best to leave it to Other and Better People like Anchormen and Politicians and Experts to have a say. Because frankly, it's so Important and Serious that common folk such as I cannot even begin to fathom the contours of the subject matter. What is she saying to me? She's saying that I'm a lesser, ignorant peasant who is vulgar and stupid. I might be vulgar inasmuch as I'd like to call her a fucking cunt, but that doesn't automatically produce any threat to my intelligence overall. On the contrary.

What is the rest of her life like? Why is she still alive at all? If every goddamn thing is so effin' Important and Serious that nobody should touch it she's barely sustaining a minimum existence, forget about being happy about anything at all. I bet she isn't into SM and bondage but I think she really should, because it would satisfy her complete subordination with regards to the Important and Serious DICK she is gonna get from the rest of the world. Because you know what? We don't give a fuck. The selective experience of the being-in-the-world (dasein) is what keeps dasein from losing his mind. You absolutely should let yourself joke about stuff. It is a tried and tested coping mechanism, which can be mastered and perfected to an art form called humor which will make you socially acceptable to your peers. You'll be Important and Serious. But you don't understand that, because you never got the first step. Sorry about that. But you're left behind. Sit down & STFU.

Latest Internet Relay Chat-logs (IRC)

Sigg3 (mailto:me@sigg3.net) — 2010-02-25T15:58:51

It's been a while now, around 3 years to be exact, but here we're back again with childish IRC quotes from the wonderful people at bash.org. What did I just say? I meant hilariously funny quotes from the guys at bash.org. Skip this post if you're a minor in your respective country, or not. I couldn't care less, thanks!

#917215
<AxelDesade> Good god, I need a life.
<Colty> Why's that?
<AxelDesade> I was entertained for over an hour today by refreshing a captcha until it said something funny or made a cool band name.

#875652
<MisVampyre> i'm so outta questions....i'm horrible at asking them
<rhys_rhaven> questions are cute
<rhys_rhaven> but the real way to understand a person is simple
<rhys_rhaven> you wind a cord around the top of the biggest pair of stairs you can find
<rhys_rhaven> and then you wait till a person is about to walk down the stairs, where they will obviously trip and have horrible things happen to them
<rhys_rhaven> and then you walk 20 feet way. and you put a thing of frozen bacon in a skillet
<rhys_rhaven> and you make the skillet so it can only be heated by a locked drum underneath it, which can be lit only by a single pilot light, which you then line with det cord trailing to a small mortar next to it. which you fill with kittens
<rhys_rhaven> hungry, meowing kittens
<MisVampyre> oh. my. god.
<rhys_rhaven> And lastly you put a timer on the on the propane for the bacon. So they have a choice
<rhys_rhaven> save the person
<rhys_rhaven> save the kittens
<rhys_rhaven> or eat the bacon
<MisVampyre> you're awesome
<MisVampyre> omg..eat the bacon
<rhys_rhaven> Thats it. I love you

#916079
<Takargi> Perfect weekend for me. Liverpool beat the Bitters with 10 men, England win at Rugby and Freddie's first words are Daddie ;)
<Takargi> Freddie was looking at the milkman at the time though which is worrying...

#916519
<Velkyr> Why is it when your wife or girlfriend gets pregnant, all her friends rub her belly and say "congratulations!"
<Velkyr> But nobody rubs your dick and says "Good Job"?

#909427
<@moss> oh jesus
<@moss> its 6 PM
<@moss> not am
<Tiq> XD
<Tiq> What have you missed, moss?
<@moss> uh... wednesday
<Tiq> HAHAHA

#901201
<DrBob> You'll never get it. Men weren't meant to understand women.
<Odin> not true.
<Odin> I've managed to solve for the fundamental logic operation of women.
<DrBob> It's just best to let them do what they want, so they'll let us do stuff to them.
<Odin> Nono let me explain.
<Odin> Women are fundamentally amplifiers.
<Odin> Anything you give them expect to get back multiplied
<Odin> give them money you don't have in the form of a credit card, expect a huge debt
<Odin> give them a little love, and they'll give you a lot of love back
<Odin> give them a little DNA in the bedroom
<Odin> and they give you a baby
<Odin> So if you give them crap, you'd better be ready to receive a ton of shit

#916740
<prote> apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

#887444
<Neo> so you know those peta campaigns, "I'd rather go naked than wear fur"?
<Neo> it's a pretty horrible idea when you think about it
<Neo> "stop eating animals or we'll keep showing you pics of hot chicks all naked like"
<Neo> yeah, brillant plan there guys

#887536
<@baka> anyone here ever eaten sushi off a naked woman?
<Sloshed> no thanks
<@baka> i'm intrigued
<@Sadrak> I'd volunteer to do the dishes

#889637
<GoldyOrNugget> who would bother decompiling windows
<GoldyOrNugget> thats like breaking in to a top secret company to steal a mop

#890929
<amb> let's make a coloring book
<amb> and then sue kids for unauthorized derivative works

#893378
<Vinny> they should build another barad-dur
<Vinny> give sauron some depth perception

#894062
<Chapdizzle> i fucking hate when people think guys should shave their chest. Its what makes us men, suck a fat dick. shaving bodily hair is for women. my chest hair serves multiple uses such as floss, fishing line, warmth, crumb catcher, and if i wanted i could pull a shitload of it out and make a net to catch small animals or fish

#906256
<popemichael> I was in line to buy a new DVD player. The woman in front of me was having something delivered.
<popemichael> The clerk asked for her 'street name' she replied "I don't have one I go by Shanice."

#912101
<x-c0n> Dude I was so drunk last night.. apparently this girl said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered, "Simba".

What Happened to Fraser Lewry at blogjam.com? IT'S ALIVE!

Sigg3 (mailto:me@sigg3.net) — 2010-02-25T12:54:17

The creator of Kittenwar and author of same book, Fraser Lewry, entered my personal blogosphere through his blog posts of HUMONGOUS MEALS! To name a few, we have the Scotch Ostrich Egg, the African Safari BBQ dishes, the Pork Pie extravaganza lest we forget his self-admitted chocolate prostitution all of which still makes me drool.

He is quoted as saying: Meat is murder: lovely, tasty murder. So we were amazed to learn that the bacon bra was made by someone else entirely. Because apart from cats (that Fraser could not keep in his house), and his love for traveling weird places (including Grønland in Oslo!), it was all about food. And people love food. And big food means big love.

Kittenwar became very famous, even Stephen Colbert had a skit about it, and he was publishing a kittenwar book and traveling then BOOM! All of a sudden his blog went silent. It had become increasingly infrequent over the years, but he had a steadfast following that still asks for updates. And I am one of them. You can see our one-way attempt at communication on his last blog post Rare "I am not dead" update from 2nd of December 2008. Being one of my favorite blogs, I still visit at least three times a week to check for updates. Since 2008! If I were to shut down Sigg3.net for some reason, I would at least put up a sign on the front page saying "This blog is shut down. Here's my archive!" and link to archived posts and pictures. Because I feel I have an obligation to do so.

Being who he is and where he travels (he's been to North Korea quite a few times) one might as well think that he came to upset Kim Jong-Il with an unfortunate turn of events in the kitchen, making his infamous Penguin Feet Risotto or whatnot, and is idling spending his days cooking in a North Korean prison. But he is not. In fact, Fraser is still alive and free to roam about!

I recently found his flickr photostream where the last picture is from January 12th 2010, depicting a Himalayan panorama! The pic belongs to a set called India/Nepal 2010 and could be a way to communicate that he's backpacking across the world again. But the complete lack of internet communication, except for a set of pictures which could have been faked or just old with false EXIF data, leaves at least some uncertainty as to this creature's persisting existence.

The conspiracy theories I then leave you with before lunch are as follows: a) He is captured by Kim Jong-Il as a slave-cook, and using North Korea's cyberarmy creates a false sense of Fraser's presence elsewhere. Fraser doesn't complain because KJI has a sex army as well. b) He food-poisoned the wrong guy and was "taken care of", think politician or someone high in showbiz. Could be a president. Could be your average kitten lover. Could be you! c) Fraser was a pioneer living in the 1860s but his great ideas of humongous meals were ideas so much ahead of his time that the Church and the Establishment felt threatened. And so all of his works and travels were collected by a small cult, slowly leaking the information to the rest of society step by step, and slowly make the world ready for big eating. The internet was just the last step in the grand plan of the Blogjam genius. The reason the blog stopped is just because they've ran out of material. The world is again voluptuous and Fraser's work is done. I dunno. Fraser, could you help us here?

Yes, I'm gullible... and paranoid.

Sigg3 (mailto:me@sigg3.net) — 2010-02-22T12:14:16

I was at a birthday party with Lady C and her family this weekend, and at some point during the gig her old man came along to show me an iPhone application that he had, which could track any cellphone number you put in! For the sake of demonstration I gave him my cellphone number and at the second try I was horrified to see that it almost immediately could pinpoint my exact location, implementing Google Maps as a backdrop. You may have seen this yourself:

Personally I felt queezy about the whole thing. Because I knew I could not be tracked by GPS (it was turned off), and that triangulation in Norway requires top-down permission; and unless I've been compromised I have no tracker software installed on the phone. So why did he have to have my number? Could it be that this app was using the input telephone number, he was careful to put the +47 in front of it both tries, in comparison with a nearby telephone? But what kind of hardware would that imply? In fact, he did state that I had to stand next to him.

Cue Occam's razor, from the developer's notes on iTunes:

Well, it’s actually finding [the iPhone's] location, but since you are with them, they will think it actually found THEIR location. The super realistic transitions and graphics are sure to fool anyone. Trust me... everyone i have tried this on has fallen for it every time! The app will then scan the world, transition across four different zoom levels and pinpoint their exact location (which is really your location) on the map with a radar icon marker.

I was totally duped, while at the same time I couldn't really believe it. I did not for a second believe that it actually tracked my phone amongst all the world's phones, because I know how hard this is to do. But I still gave him credit enough to consider a sensor which had to do with the EM spectrum of any nearby phone as compared to a lookup on phone number. I just never connected the dots. Or rather, and more importantly, removed the extra dots.

Idling at work today I just had to check this out. I found this horrible site which clearly ruins the surprise for everyone. Whoops! Right now I just don't know what to make of it. Here's my GF's father setting me up, my GF's sister and so on. Was it payback for my iPhone bashing or is he simply not aware that he's tracking his own phone? And sending the data to Google Earth while he's at it..

You could actually buy the ISP tracking information from I.C.U Inc. before but it became illegal under Bush in 2007. Just not for big brother. In terms of being an eye-opener to the possibilities of tracking, it was a fun little gag. And if you haven't been confronted with it yet, consider yourself warned. Or better yet, informed. I'll probably write more on the realities of tracking later.

Something went BOOM in Oslo City!

Sigg3 (mailto:me@sigg3.net) — 2010-02-12T19:05:48

I met up with Lady C down at Oslo City after work to burn some cash and save a lot of money as well, acc. to C.

We where in line at a woman's underwear shop when something went BOOM very loudly. I headed out to see what was going on.

Nothing really. People were looking around in disbelief and a few kids were running down the escalators which were going up. Amusing. I wrote this in my notes:

TERRORIST ATTACK IN OSLO CITY. OR NOT.
There was a loud bang in Oslo city @16:30 and the following panic that ensued was largely, well, not all that much to talk about.
Security was running around but that was more or less it.
Like I said to Lady C, we should get a move on to the next shops so we don't have to stand in a big line. Unfortunately that's what everybody else was thinking..

I don't know what it was but since the news ain't catching up with the story, I guess it was just someone getting shot or something. It just didn't seem real nor dangerous.

Now we're home again, and Lady C is showing me all the clothing she bought to save alot of money. And she's asking me to comment everything: "What do you think bout this?"
I tell you friends, this here? This is WHAT DANGEROUS FEELS LIKE!

Last five pics

Sigg3 (mailto:me@sigg3.net) — 2010-02-12T12:20:52

Here's the last five flicks from my flickr photo account:

Just like last year we absolutely had to go to the Melodi Grand Prix (Eurovision song contest) national final, something of a horrid family tradition. Here's the "Epic Metal" band called Keep of Calessian or something. It wasn't epic but I voted 14 times for these pricks just to give a fuck. And they still didn't win :(

A picture of our hallway with the new tile floor just laid out (no grouting yet). See more @ Extreme DIY 2009/2010

Among my irregular tasks is setting up disposable hardware for fieldwork all over the world. These are 6 netbooks (of 17) that are going out to gather information about the world, further away than I've ever been! There's also this video, of course: Bill Gates' wet dream!

These 9 had to be returned to sender, because they were Norwegian-only. Very unfortunate, as these Lenovos are the nicest looking netbooks I've seen in quite a long while.

This pic is from a local café at Place de Carl Berner in Oslo, Norway. Nice, eh?
I mean, just look at this place! You can buy a coffee over the counter, head for the toilet and just sit there with your little candle and a newspaper, and if the coffee is too strong and everything goes HORRIBLY WRONG you got the hose ready right next to you! Brilliant!

Truckin' February 2010, Vol. 9, Issue 2: A teethy display

Sigg3 (mailto:me@sigg3.net) — 2010-02-08T17:38:38

I have three (3) upcoming stories for your favourite blogzine Truckin' but I was unable to get 'em past the pole before Pauly whipped out the February issue faster than an Oslo cabby hands you the bill. This month's pick is author Burton's sexy take on vampires. Thanks to the likes of True Blood and Twilight, people with teeth is back on top again! Can't wait till werewolves get back in fashion, then I can start walking around without a t-shirt again.. Anyway, good story. Feel free to add yours! Pauly writes:

I'm very hyper-excited about the second issue of 2010 which marks the return of Tenzin McGrupp. Remember that hack? We'll he's back with a speedy-story about a road trip out West. The Texas boys are anchoring the issue as per usual. Milton T. Burton shared a vampire story and Johnny Hughes is digging deep into the past and whipped up glimpse into his beatnik days. Ah, and I have a piece of L.A. fiction for you inspired by Raymond Carver and Thomas Pynchon.

Lymie Malibu by Paul McGuire
She was too whacked out to remember any lines and flubbed more and more auditions that we were both surprised when her commercial agent keeps sending her out. Kaya was the quintessential cocaine tragedy, yet somehow, she kept getting callbacks...

From Beatniks to Hippies. The Early Sixties. A Memoir. by Johnny Hughes
There was a tremendous amount of hustling other folk's dates, and it would rage all night. Eddie drank this syrupy Richard's Wild Irish wine. Yuck. The linoleum floor in his kitchen looked like a crime scene from the wine stains...

Fangs by Milton T. Burton
Halfway through her second glass of wine, he was there beside her, a small snifter of brandy in his hand. Startled, she blurted out the first thing that popped into her mind. "You can drink?"...

Thinking Out Loud by Michael Friedman
Eventually my need to ask eternal questions led me to the conclusion that the only way to get out of purgatory was to flow with life instead of trying to isolate my many momentary lapses of reason on a regular basis...

China Rider by Tenzin McGrupp
I told my nephew that his teachers and parents were lying to him and trying to turn him into a soulless zombie. He believes me. He's a good kid. He knows what's up. He knows the system is full of shit...

Introducing PogoMix

Sigg3 (mailto:me@sigg3.net) — 2010-02-03T22:01:23

I'm working late tonight and having spent quite a few hours at work I tend to look at the latest virals. Among the more mindless rubbish I came across today, I stumbled over a little gem of a mixer artist namely Pogo.

Some of his amazing tracks, including the Skynet Symphonic, Alohomora and Upular are made entirely out of sounds from movies (respectively Terminator 2, Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's Stone and Pixar film Up)!

Here's the song Upular as interpreted by Pogo (requries Flash). You can also download quite a few tracks from last.fm (direct link). Ah, this brings me back to when techno was cool. Thanks a lot, mate. This made my evening!